You Ever Talk To Sanity?

Sanity has always lapsed  slipped through my grasp. I've been here for ages and I have only once felt sanity. It was a warm feeling, but it soon faded. I've always wanted to asked what sanity felt like, but when I ask I get shoved and told to be silent it's not time to speak. 

I wonder why I'm here, I mean here.. You know what I'm trying to say?

You have asked this also I bet. But why is it okay for those who claim to be "sane" to ask that same question that rings like a bell in my head over and over again.

 Am I really even here? Or am I already dead?

I've tried to escape this place, but these walls are thick and the padding feels so soft on my bloody finger tips. They told me again that I need to write down how I'm feeling.

The Doctor thinks the journal will help.

Pain
Hate
Anger
Hate
Death
Rott
Burning
Saddness
Pain
Darkness

I've tried this but it doesn't work. It makes me want to rip out my eyes and scratch off my lips. I can't stand to see or speak these words any longer.
I wonder how it feels to rip off my eye lids?

I'm going to do it I'm going to pull my eyes out.
I'm going to do it so I don't have to see these things anymore.

I've started on my left eye..
It hurt but I got it.

I got the right eye now theyd are boths sgone.